Tiger Woods Will Not Face Criminal Charges
Major Cindy Williams (Schlemiel, Schlemazel!!!) of the Florida Highway Patrol glided up to the podium today to announce that Tiger Woods will not face any criminal charges for killing a fire hydrant and running into a tree. However, Tiger will get a $164 ticket for careless driving. Major Cindy also said that there were no claims of Elin Nordegren whooping a trick and they will not seek a warrant to look into Tiger's medical records. The case is now closed! I'm sure none of you read any of that, because you were too busy staring into Major Cindy's luminous eyes. I too am mesmerized by her. I just want to climb over the podium and find a way to sit my nalgas on her hat. That hat was made to hug butt cheeks. It's calling my ass cheeks' names (Used & Abused). And if you some of you still aren't sure what happened that fateful November night, then let the Chinese explain it to Sims-style. You will understand why Elin went crazy that night. You might want to slap a bitch too if you constantly had a bubble of that whore Rachel Uchitel (holding a vacuum cleaner) following you.
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Today's Inspirational Quote
"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens."
- Ellen Glasgow
"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."
- William Arthur Ward
"The essential conditions of everything you do must be choice, love, passion."
- Nadia Boulanger
"Nothing has more strength than dire necessity."
- Euripides
